reverienet | text; un: turntechGodhead

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text; un: turntechGodhead

hey so
everyone who was at that job fair thing a while back and didnt zone out five minutes in
did yall ever decide who the official space plumber is
or were there even your standard heroic type jobs on the list
like the purehearted king arthur sorta heroes who can swing by really quick and pull a sword out of a stone
by stone i mean porcelain btw
thats the literal skillset im lookin for here

[Dave wouldn't be bothering with the network if he weren't desperate. everyone else seems to be finding useful things like clothes and weapons that can actually be utilized for self-defense, and he's the jackass over here with a sword that barely even qualifies as a weapon stuck in his toilet.]

[okay, so it wasn't stuck when he first found it sitting there in the toilet. it got stuck through a series of stupid impulse decisions, such as immediately trying to send it out to space via flushing. and since he is no hero, no purehearted King Arthur type, that sord in the throne ain't budging.]

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[............]

are you morgana

[ a solid five minutes later: ]

who are you

[ which is not a no! notably! ]

dave
sup

[ morgana types for

twenty minutes. ]

i hope you washed your mouth, how did you get the sword into the bowl to begin with, it is almost impressive

the compliments appreciated but i had nothin to do with this whole debacle
the space ghosts aboard this station put it there for a few yucks
whatever toasts their bagels i guess

[and then, five minutes later, because Dave is a little shit:]

sorry man i couldnt find the mouthwash
im just stuck this way now
damn ass piss
son of a bastard shit

were there ghosts aboard this vessel i would be aware how do you make another line, once again i ask how did you manage to fling your weapon into the bowl as not only is that as foolish as a bird with gills it is also incredibly dangerous, if you cannot wash your mouth then pray to god for salvation boy

[ grandma's trying to figure out texting. ]

[oh my god, this is the best text message Dave has received in years. he loves it, completely unironically; Morgana is the best.]

hahahahahahahaha
hit the button that says enter
also again i answer i wasnt the one who put the sword there
it was the ghosts
maybe your sixth sense is busted or something because trust me they are here
and wouldnt it make more sense to pray for toothpaste

i see, the button works very well

[ yeah she did that ]

not even toothpaste can help you at the level of hell youve plummeted down to, dave
very well, let me rephrase my question
why did you get it stuck in the bowl
what, pray tell, caused it to get stuck

[Morgana continues to be the greatest.]

i dont know how to explain that without it resulting in you demanding an exorcism
actually you know what
that might just be stupid enough to work
this sword is so unspeakably shitty it doesnt actually follow the normal rules of reality
the edges are wedged into the bowl in a way i cant figure out
and its nigh impossible to hold onto for more than a few minutes

[ ...something clicks. this messages comes a lot sooner, which might suggest a tone of vague panic. ]

is this your sword

[he notices that, and even though he had been joking earlier, he's sort of wondering now if she's actually interested in doing an exorcism.]

yeah its mine unfortunately
why do you ask

why do you say it is unfortunately yours

[ this is important to know. she doesn't know why she thinks so, but she will put stock in this thought for now. her responses are, still, noticeably faster. ]

might be easier just to show you

[which may or may not be a mistake, but then, Dave's also the kid who sent a juggalo an ICP music video and ruined his religion, which then led said juggalo to doom his universe. i mean, that happened exactly as paradox space demanded, but it still was a thing he did.]

[but anyway, a minute later Morgana will be getting a picture of the sord..... still lodged in the toilet. there's something suspiciously wrong with it. it would be hard to pinpoint what exactly is wrong with it if one doesn't know what a jpg is.]

[ the picture helps paint an image, for sure. it allows morgana to see what looks like a childish rendition of a sword, a mess of colors and ... dots? she can't tell, dave, she's from the middle ages.

but that is a sword, an instrument used for cutting and killing. a instrument that-- ]

its disgusting
why is it yours

[Dave is not sure if he should own up to the fact that it's not only his, but he's responsible for its existence.]

[he'll just borrow a classic line from Terezi.]

same way anyone winds up with something stupid probably
the folly of someones shitty ironic hubris

[ immediately, there is a correction that comes from morgana's side of the screen. either this truly, truly gets under her skin and she's upset, or she's getting used to typing. (it's the former.) ]

its dangerous

[ swords are made to cut, to take, to harm. ...she can't stand them. ]

someone gave it to you

[ it's a question. ]

the last word id use for it is dangerous

[unless you're trying to do an acrobatic pirouette off the handle. he may have done that, in his attempt to dislodge the thing. he also may have the battle scars to prove it.]

you could say that yeah
i guess at least one part that made it was given to me

its use is dangerous in nature and that is enough to call it dangerous my dear
you created this thing

[ now that is a new one! ]

[dammit she caught him.]

wasnt one of my better decisions but yeah

its barbaric and we will not need it upon this vessel so dispose of it

[ ... moments later, morgana thinks about this, and realizes what a GOLDMINE she's accidentally stumbled upon ]

my my dave, would i be right in guessing that is exactly how it ended up in the commode and stuck

[DAMMIT SHE CAUGHT HIM. well, she caught half of the story.]

why would you think that

if you did not place it there, you got it stuck, yes
poltergeists have better things to do than flush swords down commodes, i assure you
do my next question is quite simple dave
do you not consider yourself a hero?

[what the fuck. does this girl think she's going to pull off psychoanalyzing him or something? that's Rose's territory, Morgana — even if he's pretty sure that Rose would really dig Morgana's whole aesthetic and penchant for Shakesperean-style snark.]

[no. he's not going to entertain that line of thought. he's not going to consider how the two of them would just trade perfumey barbs for hours on end until Dave actually died a second death.]

[.....]

[how was she, someone who didn't know what an enter key was ten minutes ago, able to see right through him through text messages so easily? it sets him a bit — a lot, actually — on edge, and he snaps back with a reply that he probably should have thought twice about before hitting send.]

dont you think a hero would be able to get a sword out of the shitter

[ his words are strange, but she understands them. he couldn't wretch it from the porcelain throne, colloquially speaking. there's a sincerity to his words here, however, as if he's venting without showing his true feelings. she cannot relate, but there's almost a bitterness here, she thinks.

is that what he wanted to be, or what he was raised to be?

morgana's response is equally snap, and likely says too much about her own thoughts and feelings on the matter. ]

i do not believe in fairy tales or heroes, dave
princes and knights and would-be rescuers, men who ride in and save the day
they never existed to begin with

of course they dont
that would be completely ridiculous

[boy there sure are some bitter betties over here.]

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hating - 2018-06-10 03:27 (UTC) - Expand

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