text; un: turntechGodhead

[oculusriffs]

hey so
everyone who was at that job fair thing a while back and didnt zone out five minutes in
did yall ever decide who the official space plumber is
or were there even your standard heroic type jobs on the list
like the purehearted king arthur sorta heroes who can swing by really quick and pull a sword out of a stone
by stone i mean porcelain btw
thats the literal skillset im lookin for here

[Dave wouldn't be bothering with the network if he weren't desperate. everyone else seems to be finding useful things like clothes and weapons that can actually be utilized for self-defense, and he's the jackass over here with a sword that barely even qualifies as a weapon stuck in his toilet.]

[okay, so it wasn't stuck when he first found it sitting there in the toilet. it got stuck through a series of stupid impulse decisions, such as immediately trying to send it out to space via flushing. and since he is no hero, no purehearted King Arthur type, that sord in the throne ain't budging.]

Comments

[splinten]

[So Dirk does.

By falling on it.

It's a very specific kind of fall. It's a weird, shitty jpeg fall. It's the kind that makes you want to warn someone about some escalation platforms. It's absurd, and weirdly uncanny, and you can almost picture the artefacts appearing around him.

And, somehow, the sword ends up around the general area of his hand, as if it was improperly click-and-dragged there. It keeps jittering about strangely, but it is withdrawn.

The Once and Future Prince is here.]

There you go. Want it for your 'dex?

[oculusriffs]

[what the fuck.]

[it's not even the method Dirk used to go about retrieving the thing, because it suddenly makes all the sense in the world to Dave that removal by meme would actually be the solution. he understands. this is, in fact, what the refrance.]

[it's pretty much everything else going on here that gets him. it's the fact that despite the sord's unspeakably shitty protesting, Dirk is still managing to hold onto it without it somehow sliding out of his. wait, Dave isn't even sure if it's actually in his grip at the moment.]

I guess I could take it. But I'm also thinking that you've got way more control over the situation than I ever will.

[splinten]

In the sense that I've convinced it to accept me as part of its shittiness, yeah. It's not exactly ideal for battle though even like this.

[It sounds kind of like Dirk has tried.]

[oculusriffs]

[.........]

Okay, you know I've gotta ask now, since it's starting to sound like you've charged into battle with it before.

Did you at least come close to winning?

[splinten]

Not even a little. The robot kicked my ass.

[This is why he set it to 'not murder' that time.]

[oculusriffs]

[it's a small thing, but it's still a small thing that gives Dave the briefest of pauses. it's a reminder that Dirk is fallible, and not some completely emotionless robot of a guy who probably could both wield the sord..... and completely kick Dave's ass with it, without any hint of remorse or any explanation why.]

[it sort of feels like, in a lot of ways, that they really are on the same level. and that feels safe.]

[so maybe the hint of a smile Dirk was wearing earlier is mirrored over here on Dave.]

At least you were able to give it an honest shot against a robot. Better than losing to a toilet.

[that's his way of saying thanks for the assist, too.]

[splinten]

[Dirk appreciates that smile, the same as last time. After a moment, he tucks the sword into his sylladex. NOT his Strife Specubus. That is no place for the sord.]

Probably less worthy of being immortalized in a comic strip, though. Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in.... Th toilett sord....

[oculusriffs]

... Well, okay, guess I'm drawing that one next.

[splinten]

[HE STICKS OUT HIS ARM INSTANTLY]

[oculusriffs]

[omfg we're really doing this aren't we]

[we're gonna turn Dirk into A SINGLE GIANT SHITTY TATTOO]

[he'll shine bright like a neutron star dense with toilets and pizza asses]

[splinten]

[This is everything he wants and you know it. Dirk leans over the writing, eager to see true artistry unfold.]

[oculusriffs]

[hmm ... well, Dave will go as elaborate as both drawing a comic on someone's arm and as Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff itself will allow.]

[it's something of an abridged (armbridged?) version of that one time they went to church, except instead of the whole church spiel they're failing to pull the fabled sord..... out of its porcelain altar. and it's minus the extremely long deep-fried bit at the end, because Dirk's arm isn't that long? it's basically art imitating life. and he's somehow managed to render the sord..... even worse than it actually is in real life.]

[also, it's night for some reason. you can tell because he drew something like this at the top of this comic. look at that fucking owl, Dirk.]